


The Reason

by Spones-in-my-bones (KoruLunan)



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, Mental Illness, Trying to have a positive outlook
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 13:17:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17366567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KoruLunan/pseuds/Spones-in-my-bones
Summary: The reason Leonard McCoy gets out of bed every morning is much simpler, yet more intricate than one would think.





	The Reason

**Author's Note:**

> A personal piece, more of an outlet than anything else.
> 
> All the blessings to Allislaughter for being a fantastic person in general but also a marvelous Beta <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Leonard didn’t know why it worked, but it did. It was the smallest thing, something so easily found on Earth -- cheap, sugar-coated, and nothing special save for the fact that Jim had given them to him. They were valuable, no doubt about that, but in different ways than simple monetary value. For Leonard McCoy, starship doctor, commended and brandished with awards ten times over even before the start of the five year mission...

They were his  _ reason. _

Reason for what? Well, indirectly, for many things, but mainly why he got up out of bed in the morning. Leonard McCoy has had a lot of bumps in his life, some deeper than others, but every valley had its base, and every mountain its peak. As is the way of life. 

And now, three months into their mission, even though Leonard McCoy loved his job -- for all his grumbling otherwise -- he still sought out that reason to get out of bed. He could have the best of days, full of laughter and peace and some well-intentioned discussions with his newfound Vulcan other half, and still in the morning he’d look for and seek out his Reason. In all fairness, it was still early on since he had started using the candies, and Leonard didn’t expect to be able to leave them overnight, but some part of him felt like he was failing, or worse — falling into reliance and then, eventually, addiction. Whenever that part showed up, Leonard did his best to force it back down with a gentle gratitude to the parts of his mind that tried to protect him, and the kind reinforcement of the progress he was making. Getting out of bed, even if it was late, even just to get his Reason, was better than not getting up at all.

Not all of his days were ideal, of course. There were days he showed up to sickbay right on the nail, or a few minutes after, waiting until the last possible moment to leave the sanctuary of his warm bed. Sometimes he felt that his times cutting it close were more common than not, and if he was honest, he was too afraid to look and see for sure. He expected to be reprimanded for it, as it was not a professional way for the Chief Medical Officer to act, but no reprimand had come...

Yet.

Leonard hated the feeling of walking on eggshells every time he came into his shift, expecting either Geoff, his second in the sickbay, or even Jim or Spock to be there with a timer in hand and an impatiently tapping foot. And then he’d be shipped off to the next starship in the vicinity as he brandished stripes of a lieutenant and a soul shattered in shame. 

Logically... 

Leonard chuckled mirthlessly at the word. 

Logically, he knew that they would never do that to him, that his brain was overactive and fatalistic when it came to any place that he could, in a very naturally human way, mess up. He was an old country doctor, and with all of his studies of the human (and non-human) psyche, he knew better. But that did little to banish that sliver of doubt he felt any time he cut it close to his shift.

Honestly, he didn’t know if it would ever go away. But he did know that, as long as he used some rationale and had his Reason to get up in the morning, that he’d be okay. 

Maybe not great, certainly not perfect... 

But he’d be okay.


End file.
